Lately I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and a lot of discovering about myself and how I operate. I've also gone through many, many changes in the past year. From not doing competitive sports for the first time since second grade, to graduating and no longer being in school, to leaving behind all my friends and family, to moving to Hawaii, to getting a job, to working in a job that's insane, to paying my own insurance and all my own bills, to having friends come and go off the island every few months, to...well! You get the point. I have so many lessons I'm learning about life in general, so these are my thoughts at random that every person can relate to in one way or the other:
I am not perfect.
And, I don't have to be perfect.
But the minute I forget this, I become so insecure because...well, I am not perfect, as I said, and never will be. And, if there is an expectation for perfection inside of me that I do not amount to, I live with this deep residing insecurity. No matter how much positive affirmation I receive when I have this deep need for perfection, I never feel secure. In fact, when I am insecure, positive compliments seem to have the reverse effect. Instead of building me up, they make me feel as if I must amount to the compliment. "I better be extra focused because if someone says I'm pretty, well, I darn well better be pretty all the time." Except, the more I strive for this perfection, the more I feel lacking. That's insecurity at the root. Trying to be perfect in an area when perfection is INSANITY because no one will ever amount. And what I've learned is that if we don't embrace this reality, then we walk through life extremely insecure and will never be happy in our skin. There will always be something that does not a-line with the "perfect self" we want to be. But Jesus died for these imperfections, so we should die to them as well. Because when we kill their power, God is allowed to be perfect in His beauty, love, and strength through us. (Read that a few times).BEING LONELY -
It's ok to be lonely sometimes. Can I repeat that?
It's ok to be lonely sometimes!
I hope that freed some of you, because it freed me. Being alone and being lonely aren't the same things. I KNOW I am not alone. I know I am loved, and I love Jesus and others in my life. But, despite this, there are times I get lonely. There are times I just don't want to make decisions for only myself, but would love to be a part of someone else. I use to think this was "bad" to admit. I have discovered, however, that you can have longings at times, and still be content (I will tell the story of this coming about in a future blog). It goes back to the "desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 says that we are to delight ourselves in the Lord, and He will give us the desires of our heart, which means we must have desires! And, it also means, that even while delighting oneself completely in the Lord, one can still have these desires. This freed me because I no longer fight the fact that sometimes I long for something more, or specifically someone more. However, I must not focus on this; I must not dwell on this. That is the key. I must turn and enjoy Jesus and my relationship with Him. I repeat again, though, it...is...ok...to...be...lonely and have healthy desires in life. The only time it's wrong is when I place those above Christ.
FULFILLING YOUR "CALLING" -
Bottom line, my calling is simple. Sure, I'm designed for specific things to fulfill in life, but sometimes the "big" callings and dreams can overtake the basic purpose for me living. What is my calling? To love God, to love others, and to reach the people who are hurting and lost. That's it! Any "calling" that does not fall in line with this basic calling of all humanity is something that causes us to only focus on "works, works, works, works," and not faith and the great commission...as well as the greatest and only commandment Jesus left for us "to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself." So, my calling to "be a writer" becomes a distraction when it's not done in love for Jesus and to reach others with the saving TRUTH. My calling to speak to young people and work with them tips my life out of balance when it because about "ME" and "MY CALLING" instead of loving them like Jesus does, and seeing them live free in that love. This is one of those topics I think you'll have to reread a few times. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes I get so focus on what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing because it's "my calling" that I forget that the journey there is more important. I forget the present. Even though I'm not officially a published author yet, and I'm not reaching youth on a large scale, that does not matter. What matters is that I AM WRITING, and I AM POURING INTO YOUTH. As long as I'm doing these things God has gifted me to do with a passion for HIM, I'm fulfilling my calling regardless of the scale to which I "preform" them. Because your calling and my calling is not about performance. It's about really, really loving God all the people He loves (which is everyone, in case you are confused). The basis of your calling and my calling hinges off this fact, so as long as we're choosing each day to love God and others, we are not failing our calling in life, but we are letting God work it out within us.
These are my random thoughts for today. However, I think "random" is the wrong word. They are thoughts on life which God is teaching me. Thoughts on topics we all deal with, and struggle with. And topics which we all must go through and work through. Shoot me back some of your "thoughts," and lets start tackling and not ignore the real issues of life we all "think" about, but never let out...
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