Hoping Afraid

Hope or Fear?
Fear or Hope?

I have a choice, but the choice isn't as easy as it seems.  The decision doesn't just come down to choosing to have fear, or choosing to have hope, but the fear is wrapped up in choosing hope.

What if I'm disappointed?
What if I get my hopes up, I begin to care again, only to have them dashed?
What if I'm hoping for the impossible?

So I fear hope, because although it's a beautiful thing, it can HURT!  My mind shouts at me, "RUN before you care, RUN before it gets hard, RUN before you get disappointed.  But I don't have a reason to run other than fear..."

You see, yesterday, I decided to choose hope in the face of fear once more.  I'm still desperately afraid!  And yet, I'm no longer living by fear, because with this choice I choose to hope in spite of the fear; I choose not to live numb or broken in order to avoid disappointment.  God has given me so many dreams and visions for the future, and a two months ago I was living in this spot of just...existing.  I was not seeing how any of the dreams or visions would come to past, or evidence of them, so I just shut down.  Tired of always hoping and feeling that disappointment.  But, living pushing aside hope, living giving into fears of not reaching what you hope for, that is no life at all.  The scriptures say "hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12).   I can attest to that, for when I push aside hoping, my spirit feels weak and frail.  That zest that normally accompanies my every  move is zapped.  But living by hope, and refusing to give into the evidence of what's seen, brings LIFE back and I'm able to fully LOVE again.

Two months ago, I was living with a crazy fear of trying to finish my book.  I kept hearing the fear speaking to me, "What if you can't do it? what if you don't have enough inside of you to make it complete?  What if it's no good?"  Yet, HOPE was saying, "What if you DO have it inside?  What if it's just waiting to come out?"  And so, I wrote anyway.  Every time I sat down at the keyboard, I was afraid!  Well, I finished my book!  Turns out, fear lied.  And it's lying again, because now it's saying, "What if you can't edit your book into a presentable project?  What if no one wants to read it?  What if you never get published?"  Fear also keeps telling me I will never be married or have a family; that I will always do everything alone and no one will choose me.  Fear tells me, "You have no friends.  No one really cares!  What's the use of opening up to them."  So, everything that's inside of me wants to RUN, as I said before, shut down, shut out.

AND YET....I know from before, I have to hope afraid.  I have to choose to write anyways, to love anyways, to open up and let others in anyways.  Because regardless of what happens, hoping is a form of trust in God.  It tells Him, I believe you love me, and I'll lean on that love.  In regards to fear, Jesus says, "Do not be afraid, I am here" (John 6:19-20) "Don't be afraid; just believe" (Mark 5:36), and "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear..." (1 John 4:18).  I've always loved that last verse, and God gave me a revelation about it just this morning.  The "I AM" (i.e. Jesus) is love, and we are not to be afraid because I AM is here.  When Jesus says, I AM, it means He is the first and the last, the beginning and the end.  So His love and touch extends from the beginning of our life until the end.  We have no need to fear, but only to hope, for we can trust that He who LOVES us has our future taken care of as well as our past.  He knows, and that's what matters.

Fear would have us forget this.  Fear would have us disregard the reality that GOD LOVES US and HAS A PLAN FOR US.  Fear would have us run.  Pastor Ivan Tait points out, "check yourself:  the thing you're afraid of may be the very thing that's your destiny."

My destiny is in writing; my heart was made to love; my life was created to GIVE...and these are all things I do afraid because I must choose HOPE!  Hope in the fact that God loves me and will work all things out for good, as He promises, makes me write each word and check my heart before Him everyday.

Today, check your heart!  What are you afraid of doing?  If you feel God pushing you towards it, don't run!  Embrace it, do it afraid!  Join me each morning in choosing to refuse the stagnation and lethargy of deferred hope and decide to live the DANGEROUS life of hoping instead!

Yes, hope is dangerous...not hoping is fatal - it's DEATH for our heart and soul!

You may be afraid of hoping, but, instead, choose to live hoping while afraid!  Eventually, the fear dissipates in the reality that Jesus' love goes before, behind, and around us;  we are set free to let our hope soar with the reality that He brings "good" out of all things entrusted to Him...even when it seems impossible.