12 TO 13 TO LOVE

In the move from 12 to 13, there was love.
Not age 12 to 13, but year.
It's like that moment, however, when you are 12 and then turn 13.  Suddenly, you realize you're a woman.
In the midst of a year, I realized I am a woman.  One in love.
Last New Year, I moved.  I arrived in California scared.  I moved for a job, and the man I was dating at the time now lived only 40 minutes from me.  I hoped the relationship would last.  I dreamed it would be more.  And yet, my entire being cried out not to hope or dream.  After all, when you do, you can be CRUSHED.
But, I couldn't help it.
And, I found out that when you do you can also discover...
LOVE.

I didn't realize until 2012 that I was scared of love.  I almost pushed it away because of the fear.  Don't get me wrong, I desperately longed for true love and, well, marriage.  It's just that after a few heartbreaks and disappointments, I started thinking it just might not be for me.  2012 challenged me to face this fear, and let it go to receive everything my boyfriend, at the time, was pouring into my life.  Even though I "let it go," I was still afraid!

There was one moment around February where I broke down in tears in a coffee shop parking lot.  I got my mom on the phone and wanted to end it then and there.
No more boyfriend = no more possibility of pain.
No boyfriend also = no more hope, no more dream.  And, no more trust.
I realized in that moment, if I couldn't learn to trust this incredible man, could I ever trust God?  After all, He had miraculously placed us together (our story will have to be another blog), so to run would be to run from God.
I stayed.

And, 3 months later, we were engaged.  Even during that first month of being engaged, I was subconsciously waiting...waiting for my fiance to change his mind, to leave, to disappear.  He didn't.  
Hope. 
Dream. 
TRUST.
All 3 still alive.

Then, 5 months later, I was walking down the aisle.  Starting into the face of one who loved me so selflessly, and who I loved.  I never thought this moment would come.  My whole heart cried out with joy!  I hadn't run, or pushed away, or let fear get the best of me, so love was able to mature.

As I write this, I look back at me exactly a year ago - A scared little girl who didn't believe her God could actually put His love for her in a man's heart; who didn't believe any of her relationships would ever make it to alter.  I watch that girl grow as I reflect on 2012, and I see her stubborn choice to keep going back to HOPE and to a DREAM.  And, mostly to TRUST that God works all things for good.

And, today, January 1st, 2013, I see that every hope and dream for love and marriage has come true.  My husband is laying on the couch reading and drinking coffee.  I'm writing on my computer.  Pretty sure I'm done now so I can actually go and give him a big kiss.  But, before I go, the point is, somewhere between 12 and 13 we all must let go of fears and allow God to grow in us, and move us towards His plans.  
Otherwise, we're stuck.
Our hopes and dreams will always be squelched.
We'll never let love mature.
In everything we do, we may be afraid, but we cannot FEAR what God has put in our lives.
Here's to a year of dreams and hopes maturing....