Chemicals and Real Love

My heart at the moment feels compressed.
It feels as if it's being squeezed to lifelessness...
I'm thinking about love, and how to some it's just "chemical" and just "sex."

In hollywood, you see this eminent.  No, you won't hear them say it, but if you watch any "romance" genre movie, most likely the couple of interest will end up in bed with eachother.  Before marriage.  Before commitment.  Sex is usually the culmination of finally admitting they've "fallen in love" with the other.  It's as if all paths lead to that.  Most PG-13 movies have some sort of sexual encounter; and, most assuredly, there's some type of lewd sexual banter.  Then, think of advertisements all around us.  Usually they use a portion of the female body to sell their product.  OR, they are selling the females.  I opened up an Orange County weekly news addition pamphlet the other day, and in the ad section they had information for call girls and other sexual encounters.  You know what they called this section - "Adult Interests."  As if the individuals using these services are "mature adults."  In fact, they are acting more like immature animals than anything.  But, we'll get to that later.

For people who don't think critically, our over-saturated sexual environment makes going to a strip club, using "call girls," or looking at junk online a part of human nature...

I was at work one day, and heard one of my managers talking.  It was going to be his birthday soon.  I love birthdays!  How exciting.  I heard them saying, "Oh yeah, we're gonna go celebrate!"  Then, I heard him and some of the others continuing to talk about plans - "We're going to the strip club.  It's going to be wild."  They were bantering back and forth as if they were going bowling.  Like it was no big deal.  The next day, the attendees were so tired, and were saying, "It was great!"  Nothing like birthday fun, right?

The thing that bothered me most about this whole exchange is that this manager is one of my favorites.  He's just your down to earth good guy with a serious girlfriend.  But, I guess to them, it was normal.  No big deal.  Doesn't hurt anyone, right?
Hormones.
Chemicals.
Human nature.

Wrong.  This is what has my heart compressed and squeezed so tight.  I have to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs at these guys - "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SUPPORTING."  Strip clubs are ports or gateways for prostitution and sex-trafficking.  Many of them work closely with pimps and have prostitution on the side; many also employ underaged girls.  Some of the clubs bring in women from other countries, or the pimps provide those women, and they are really victims of trafficking. Or victims of emotional exploitation upon insecurities and feelings of helplessness.  Just some birthday fun?  Right!

"I was a stripper."  One of my friends told me.  I looked at her - so beautiful, so thin, so loving.  "I hated myself, and it was a way to feel like I was wanted."  She explained that she started as just a server at a strip joint, and promised herself that's all she would do.  But, eventually she saw how much more money the strippers would make, and decided to try it.  "I still can't believe that was me.  It felt like a totally different person.  I disconnected.  And, the thing is, I didn't make that much more money than I do now as a waitress at a good restaurant.  At the time, though, I thought that was all I could do - they made me believe it was the only way I could make that much money."  My beautiful friend would talk about some of the feelings of hatred and just awfulness of the exploitation of her body that she experienced.  She never told stories though.  Just feelings.  I don't think I could have handled the stories. 

But, I'm hearing stories now.  All the time.  About girls exploited for sex around the world.  There's one grandma to the children we work with in Bulgaria who refuses to let her granddaughter even play volleyball.  She's the guardian of this lovely young teenager, and fears the "onlookers" at the practices will try and steal her granddaughter away.  Sounds obsessive.  It happens.  It happens over in this small European country...all the time.
After all, it's just a part of human nature.
Chemicals.
Hormones.  
Right?

Sure, sex is a part of love.  A beautiful part created by God.  IN the context of MARRIAGE.  There's a problem when this just becomes a chemical thing, however, and when it's just what love comes down to.  That's the state the world seems to be going towards, even if people don't say it.  If all this is just a part of human nature and instincts, it takes the mind and heart out of it.  But love, and love and sex requires both of these.
It requires the mind.
Heart.
Soul.
Strength.
All of it.
And, it requires that we as a people begin to think with all our strength about the heart, mind, and soul of others.  If my boss and his friends had thought about the heart, mind and soul of the strippers before they went to the place, they probably would have had guilt the entire time.  The girls would suddenly become more than objects.  Humanize the girl, and you have to humanize yourself and ask, "What is this costing her to do this; what is it costing me to enjoy this?"  It's costing both their heart and soul.  As my friend, who was the stripper, said, she was a completely different person when she was doing the dancing for a living.  She had to disconnect herself from herself.  If all of this was just a natural part of human nature, why would it require people to disconnect from their hearts and souls?  It's not natural...

Love is not a feeling, hormones, chemicals.
Yes, people can FEEL love, but if it doesn't go beyond that, it's not true love.
Love takes the entirety of who you are as a human being:  heart, soul, mind.
After all, doesn't the scriptures say, "Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself."
We can't love anyone else until we are learning to love with the entirety of our being.  To love means to give of our thoughts, emotions, and essence of self to another.
First to God.
Then, we learn how to love/respect all He's created us to be.
Finally, we can give that same respectful loving to the others (neighbors) around us.

We can't isolate what we give in love to a single thing like emotions or hormones.  Sex.  It has to be ALL of us.  It has to be all of us thinking about all of the other person.  Their heart, mind, and soul, not just their body or how they make us feel.  Most of you reading this probably agree with me already.  I don't have to convince you.  So, let me break the problem down to a practical level of everyday love...

The bottom line of this problem of love we are talking about today is objectifying.  It's obvious that our society objectifies for pleasure, but in a non-sexual way we objectify as well.  Sometimes, I see a checker a the grocery store as someone who is just processing my order so I can leave; or, I see a customer at my job as just another customer like the last customer, or the one before them.  When I do this, I've objectified these people and am not loving them.  I know I don't love every person, every day.  But, I want to.  Do you?  Each day, we all need to remember that loving well takes all of us choosing to love a person for all of them!


If our world began to no longer objectify and to love the person, life would change.  Sex-trafficking and sexual exploitation would be over.  Because, to love this way is to be fully human - human as we are intended to be - instead of animalistic; when we use the human mind, heart, and soul to love, we are awakened to the humanity of others.
Suddenly, they have a story.
They have a life.
And, they also deserve love that ministers to their mind, heart, and soul.
When we are real and they are real, love becomes real.

WHAT IS LOVE?

As a girl growing up, I always wondered what it would feel like to "be in love."
As a young woman, I always wondered how you know when it's "real love."
As a married woman, I now wonder, "What is love?"
Now that I've experienced love expressed in every capacity, I am asking this question for us all.  Someone needs to.
Why?
Because our world is failing in love.
So many of us think we "know love," but do we really?
I think we know parts of love; we know definitions; we know feelings.  But, I also think we have a lot to learn - myself included.

You see, there's this problem...ask several people what love is, and you'll get different answers.
For hollywood, it seems to be a profound attraction that is ever shifting.
For the scientist, it's just chemicals in the brain and body.
For a muslim extremist, it may be Jihad.
For someone hurt, it may not even exist.
For others, "love" may be simply equated as sex.
For a Christian, it's the cross and a combination of scriptures.
Some say it's a choice.
Some say it's pain.
Some say it's a myth.
Some say it's sacrifice.
Some say it's deep friendship.
Some say it's just not worth it.

And yet, no matter what people say or believe love to be, it is the great search of our generation. People jump from relationship to relationship, from religion to religion, from place to place just searching...
FOR LOVE.  

They are searching for love, but the confusion on love creates the problem.  I believe there truly is ONE REAL LOVE.  A love we are all looking for that's universal.  And, I think it's too simple to just say it's God.  Of course it's God!  He created love.  HE IS LOVE.  But, He also created us to love - and that's the problem I think we keep running into; even after we are submerged in God's love, we are still searching for love from eachother.  Deep down we know it's supposed to be there!
God's love IS ENOUGH.
And yet, it's not at the same time.
Sound blasphemous?
Let me explain...
If a Christian or person claims to know the God of Love, who is Love, and yet is no better at loving than the rest of the world, what is that saying to others?

Love is what we are created FOR.

And, love is what we are created to BE.

To be true LOVERS.

That's why I'm asking, "What is love?"  And this time, we can't answer this with religion or or empty words, but we have to look in our hearts and ask...what does it look like for me to love and be loved?  For the next months, I am looking deep.  I want all of us to re-look at the scriptures or sayings we've heard our whole lives, and then begin to see what that looks like in ACTION, in EVERY DAY LIFE.  Otherwise, it means nothing.
We need to do this.  
We need to do this for ourselves.  
Our relationships.
Our children.
Our neighbors. 
Our future. 
Our WORLD. 

Stay reading to go through this journey with me...

Change-Year

We've been hearing the word thrown about as a slogan - "Change."
It's been promised.
And, for many, not fulfilled.
I think sometimes I give up on change.

Yet, even if we don't notice, change constantly occurs around us.
The sun rises, and then sets.  
Leaves fall and grow.  
Babies become toddlers; toddlers to teens.  
Our day shifts - with a word, a choice.
We are changing, our lives are changing because our God is moving.  Always.  

For some reason, however, I keep getting the feeling that this year is a year of change.  Of course, every year is - we get older, we move or we grow, or we shrink...something always changes.  Yet, there's to be a special change this year. What?  You may ask.  I'm not sure.  I just believe, like the Israelites waiting for freedom and Joseph waiting for uplifting, that the status quo of our lives and the things we've been waiting on or praying over will find answers.  At the end of this year, I believe we will see a change in stagnant and captive areas.
If...
     we...
          seek....
GOD'S FACE.

That's where I feel His tug on my heart.  I like control.  I like to figure it all out and find solutions...myself.  But, I know I can't do that this year.  I know if I finally want to see fruition in the things I'm waiting for, and change sweep over my current circumstances, I have to come to His presence.  THEN, I have to GO - go with His presence.  I can't simply rest in one spot, but I know it's time to move with His movement and help bring about change.

For every person longing for a change, I do believe this is the year.  I believe God wants us to find His face and then move with Him, so He can not only move in our lives, but move US.  

12 TO 13 TO LOVE

In the move from 12 to 13, there was love.
Not age 12 to 13, but year.
It's like that moment, however, when you are 12 and then turn 13.  Suddenly, you realize you're a woman.
In the midst of a year, I realized I am a woman.  One in love.
Last New Year, I moved.  I arrived in California scared.  I moved for a job, and the man I was dating at the time now lived only 40 minutes from me.  I hoped the relationship would last.  I dreamed it would be more.  And yet, my entire being cried out not to hope or dream.  After all, when you do, you can be CRUSHED.
But, I couldn't help it.
And, I found out that when you do you can also discover...
LOVE.

I didn't realize until 2012 that I was scared of love.  I almost pushed it away because of the fear.  Don't get me wrong, I desperately longed for true love and, well, marriage.  It's just that after a few heartbreaks and disappointments, I started thinking it just might not be for me.  2012 challenged me to face this fear, and let it go to receive everything my boyfriend, at the time, was pouring into my life.  Even though I "let it go," I was still afraid!

There was one moment around February where I broke down in tears in a coffee shop parking lot.  I got my mom on the phone and wanted to end it then and there.
No more boyfriend = no more possibility of pain.
No boyfriend also = no more hope, no more dream.  And, no more trust.
I realized in that moment, if I couldn't learn to trust this incredible man, could I ever trust God?  After all, He had miraculously placed us together (our story will have to be another blog), so to run would be to run from God.
I stayed.

And, 3 months later, we were engaged.  Even during that first month of being engaged, I was subconsciously waiting...waiting for my fiance to change his mind, to leave, to disappear.  He didn't.  
Hope. 
Dream. 
TRUST.
All 3 still alive.

Then, 5 months later, I was walking down the aisle.  Starting into the face of one who loved me so selflessly, and who I loved.  I never thought this moment would come.  My whole heart cried out with joy!  I hadn't run, or pushed away, or let fear get the best of me, so love was able to mature.

As I write this, I look back at me exactly a year ago - A scared little girl who didn't believe her God could actually put His love for her in a man's heart; who didn't believe any of her relationships would ever make it to alter.  I watch that girl grow as I reflect on 2012, and I see her stubborn choice to keep going back to HOPE and to a DREAM.  And, mostly to TRUST that God works all things for good.

And, today, January 1st, 2013, I see that every hope and dream for love and marriage has come true.  My husband is laying on the couch reading and drinking coffee.  I'm writing on my computer.  Pretty sure I'm done now so I can actually go and give him a big kiss.  But, before I go, the point is, somewhere between 12 and 13 we all must let go of fears and allow God to grow in us, and move us towards His plans.  
Otherwise, we're stuck.
Our hopes and dreams will always be squelched.
We'll never let love mature.
In everything we do, we may be afraid, but we cannot FEAR what God has put in our lives.
Here's to a year of dreams and hopes maturing....