The SMASH of the Doll Face...

This video is titled "Doll Face."

It's disturbing. 
It causes you to stare, tranfixed.
It makes you want to turn it off.
I forces you to keep watching.
Why?
BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
Now watch it...watch it all the way through and read on.

How many of us girls seek to become that "Doll Face?"  We read magazines, we watch television, we go to the stores and see what we "need" to be beautiful.  Or maybe, like me, this isn't quite a part of your life, but you still look at those all around you to measure yourself.  You look to see what you must change to be beautiful.  Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing what ALREADY makes you beautiful, you look and see what needs to change about yourself to MAKE you the beauty that you feel you aren't. 

But when we keep doing this, the mirror cracks.  The journey crashes us.  Maybe it ends in an eating disorder, a destructive relationship, in self hatred, in bottled insecurities and mistrusts.  Or maybe it just leaves you depressed.  Deep down, becoming constantly unsatisfied and always seeking to "change" to look "right." 

This video is reality.  It's what we do everyday as we look all around us to define our beauty.  What if we began looking in the mirror differently.  Instead of looking at our own image, or the image of others around us, we viewed ourselves for what really is beautiful about us. 
Now, you ask, "What is that?  You don't know me, Krinda!  I am NOT beautiful.  I've made so many mistakes!  My heart even...."
I say, "SHUSH."  Listen.  Listen.  Listen.  What are you listening to? 
To Jesus. 
To Jesus saying, "Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  To Jesus saying, "I have loved you with an everlasting love."  To Jesus saying, "You are my bride, my chosen one."  Listen, Listen, Listen, to that.
No, I don't have it all figured out.  By all means, I have my days I look in the mirror and say, "YIKES!" BUT, I hear Jesus saying to ME, as I said earlier to you, "SHUSH, Krinda. Stop looking all around and look into my eyes."

His eyes are turned to you.  They don't gaze over you, they don't scan up and down your body, they don't look at your "body parts," they look into your eyes.  His eyes SEE you.  They see you, every ugly dirty thing about you, and they LOVE you.  And they see something He WANTS. 
HE WANTS YOU!
So for every girl who has tried to create the perfect "Doll Face" and body in order to feel wanted...for myself included...
YOU ARE WANTED!!! YOU ARE CHOSEN!!!
These words I've longed to hear my whole life have been uttered to me from birth, and to you as well.  I want to create a counter-media revolution.  I dream of seeing women free from this bonding connection to what media says is beautiful.  They don't want you to know that you are loved and wanted just the way you are now, because then you would have no need for what the media and this world tries to sell you.  This is not a call to throw away all makeup and not to take care of the body God has given you, this is a call to realize that those things do not make you WANTED.
To be truly wanted is to be seen for WHO you are, not WHAT you are. 

WHO you are, my fellow girls, is a living, breathing image of the Creator of the Universe.  Instead of striving for perfection as the world defines it, and crashing to the ground where it leads, lets SMASH that image ourselves...and live free of the trap of the media.

Thoughts at Random...

Lately I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and a lot of discovering about myself and how I operate.  I've also gone through many, many changes in the past year.  From not doing competitive sports for the first time since second grade, to graduating and no longer being in school, to leaving behind all my friends and family, to moving to Hawaii, to getting a job, to working in a job that's insane, to paying my own insurance and all my own bills, to having friends come and go off the island every few months, to...well!  You get the point.  I have so many lessons I'm learning about life in general, so these are my thoughts at random that every person can relate to in one way or the other:

INSECURITIES -
I am not perfect. 

                 And, I don't have to be perfect. 

But the minute I forget this, I become so insecure because...well, I am not perfect, as I said, and never will be.  And, if there is an expectation for perfection inside of me that I do not amount to, I live with this deep residing insecurity.  No matter how much positive affirmation I receive when I have this deep need for perfection, I never feel secure.  In fact, when I am insecure, positive compliments seem to have the reverse effect.  Instead of building me up, they make me feel as if I must amount to the compliment.  "I better be extra focused because if someone says I'm pretty, well, I darn well better be pretty all the time."  Except, the more I strive for this perfection, the more I feel lacking.  That's insecurity at the root.  Trying to be perfect in an area when perfection is INSANITY because no one will ever amount.  And what I've learned is that if we don't embrace this reality, then we walk through life extremely insecure and will never be happy in our skin.  There will always be something that does not a-line with the "perfect self" we want to be.  But Jesus died for these imperfections, so we should die to them as well.  Because when we kill their power, God is allowed to be perfect in His beauty, love, and strength through us.  (Read that a few times).

BEING LONELY -
It's ok to be lonely sometimes.  Can I repeat that?
It's ok to be lonely sometimes!
I hope that freed some of you, because it freed me.  Being alone and being lonely aren't the same things.  I KNOW I am not alone.  I know I am loved, and I love Jesus and others in my life. But, despite this, there are times I get lonely.  There are times I just don't want to make decisions for only myself, but would love to be a part of someone else.  I use to think this was "bad" to admit.  I have discovered, however, that you can have longings at times, and still be content (I will tell the story of this coming about in a future blog).  It goes back to the "desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4 says that we are to delight ourselves in the Lord, and He will give us the desires of our heart, which means we must have desires!  And, it also means, that even while delighting oneself completely in the Lord, one can still have these desires.  This freed me because I no longer fight the fact that sometimes I long for something more, or specifically someone more.  However, I must not focus on this; I must not dwell on this.  That is the key.  I must turn and enjoy Jesus and my relationship with Him.  I repeat again, though, it...is...ok...to...be...lonely and have healthy desires in life.  The only time it's wrong is when I place those above Christ. 

FULFILLING YOUR "CALLING" -
Bottom line, my calling is simple.  Sure, I'm designed for specific things to fulfill in life, but sometimes the "big" callings and dreams can overtake the basic purpose for me living.  What is my calling?  To love God, to love others, and to reach the people who are hurting and lost.  That's it!  Any "calling" that does not fall in line with this basic calling of all humanity is something that causes us to only focus on "works, works, works, works," and not faith and the great commission...as well as the greatest and only commandment Jesus left for us "to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself."  So, my calling to "be a writer" becomes a distraction when it's not done in love for Jesus and to reach others with the saving TRUTH.  My calling to speak to young people and work with them tips my life out of balance when it because about "ME" and "MY CALLING" instead of loving them like Jesus does, and seeing them live free in that love.  This is one of those topics I think you'll have to reread a few times.  What I'm trying to say is that sometimes I get so focus on what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing because it's "my calling" that I forget that the journey there is more important.  I forget the present. Even though I'm not officially a published author yet, and I'm not reaching youth on a large scale, that does not matter.  What matters is that I AM WRITING, and I AM POURING INTO YOUTH.  As long as I'm doing these things God has gifted me to do with a passion for HIM, I'm fulfilling my calling regardless of the scale to which I "preform" them.  Because your calling and my calling is not about performance.  It's about really, really loving God all the people He loves (which is everyone, in case you are confused).  The basis of your calling and my calling hinges off this fact, so as long as we're choosing each day to love God and others, we are not failing our calling in life, but we are letting God work it out within us. 

These are my random thoughts for today.  However, I think "random" is the wrong word.  They are thoughts on life which God is teaching me.  Thoughts on topics we all deal with, and struggle with.  And topics which we all must go through and work through.  Shoot me back some of your "thoughts," and lets start tackling and not ignore the real issues of life we all "think" about, but never let out...

POEM of LOVE's-Passion

CONSUMPTION of  PAIN in LOVE’S PASSION

Passion and pain collide –

 full force together they flied.

This explosion so powerful,

threatening to make me cower in a hole

and settle for life so-dull.

But how can I put out a fire

that burns from a force I did not acquire?

This longing like a virgin birth

inseminated before I even walked this earth,

weaved within the DNA of my worth.

So, no matter how many times my hopes clash

and heart, full-force forward, hit disappointment – SMASH! –

I can’t live passionless;

for when I try to harden to rock my heart of raw flesh,

my heart empties out and innards scramble a-mess.

And raw accurately describes it,

for when you care, you take hit after hit;

this world does not guard the purity

of a passion birthed from the fear of He;

They don’t understand the Spiritual heredity

of this transferred passion of Christ

when a heart opens and lets Him melt what was once iced.

That’s what passion is –

a divine infusion of His –

spilling out in word and deed, aflame

and without shame

at the sound of His name:

Jesus. Jesus. JESUS!

Can’t stop embracing full this life to which He frees us.

With arms wide to love I’m a bigger target,

but I refuse to cave just yet

because that name – Jesus – stretched wide

to span the gap between pain and passion when he died.

So though this pain and passion in me now collide

I continue on this path with steady stride,

for the I know the glory of Love’s consumption awaits on the other side.

©Krinda Joy

Homeless In Hawaii - A Begging Question

THE BEGGING QUESTION

Wrinkled raisin-brown from the sun,

twisted limb with no teeth in her gum.

Shaking, quaking man alone on the street

sleeping on the bench with no watcher to keep.

Children in a shopping cart

as daddy pushes them from park to park, not through Wal-mart.

Blankets strewn in the bathroom stall,

smelling of drugs and urine with dirt covering the wall,

 people are passed out beside the toilet where they fall.

“Excuse me!” they call.

“Do you have a Dollar?”

“Ya got any food?” they holler.

Mostly, it’s silence, though

when I hurry by these people each day as I go.

But in my head later it’s like a show

flickering from slide to slide like there’s some answer there I should know.

And, as I pass the gnarled old woman on the street,

I strain to hear her mumbling as I retreat-

listening, looking for something, anything, I can grasp…

Like maybe if I concentrate hard enough, their stories will clear in the jumbled rasp.

Not sure what I’m trying to discover;

perhaps the reason, the purpose, the why I’m looking to uncover?

I guess I’m looking for this answer to why –

“Why them and not me?” I ask as for them I cry.

I see the browned outstretched hands as a question mark,

“What can I do that will bring light to their world so dark?”

The need before me so stark

The call a herald, a trumpet-hark.

I just don’t know how to build the ark

that will help float those flooding the street corners and living in the park.

So, ever reaching out in high pitched strains,

like a shrill note, this begging question mark remains...

THE ISSUE IN THE QUESTION

The sound of laden carts bumping down the sidewalk is a part of the everyday city sounds; the smell of two-week unwashed bodies just another stench that mingles with car exhaust.  I view the overwhelming state of the Homeless in Hawaii each day...view these snapshots with me:

I am on my half-hour run, enjoying the beautiful sun as it reflects off the ocean.  Palm trees sway around me.  I veer around the corner, my feet picking up the pace.  I almost stop.  Did I just enter a campground?  On this side-street leading to the ocean-path, tent after tent after tent keeps going...

I consider turning around.  Running away.  But, somehow I can't.  Maybe it's not the safest thing, but I choose to run along this homeless neighborhood.  Counting.  I lose count.  Some of the "homes" are tarps, pulled over shopping carts.  It stinks.  I wonder where their toilet is?  I'm probably running over it.  Somehow, it doesn't really gross me out as much as it hurts my heart.  Some of the tents have the shoes all lined up outside - a few of the pairs are children's shoes.  I see one of the women sweeping her section of the street, a little kid plays in the pile of dust she makes.  When I first arrived in Hawaii, there were only two tents on this street - now it's homeless city.   I wonder...what's your story?

I heard a rumor yesterday that the "residents" on this homeless street are about to be kicked out.  Where will they go?

I'm walking to work.  I see a woman I've nicknamed in my head "the bird lady" pushing her cart across the parking lot in front of me.  I named her this because she keeps filthy old pidgins in cages towered on her cart.  I usually see her in Honolulu.  Today she's in Waikiki.  Before my eyes, I watch her abandon her precious cart.  I can't tell if the birds are still under the tarp covering her possessions.  She walks twenty feet to a patch of grass beside the road and falls down.  "AaAAAaaaaaAAAAAAh."  A loud wail starts piercing the air.  She's clutching at her legs, crying out, wriggling back and forth.  Between the screams I hear a slurred, "OH it stiiiiings..." I get closer.  Her legs are massively swollen.  It looks as if one of them got mauled by a shark.  They are red, scabbed, infected, her feet puffed like a blown-up surgical glove. 

"Are you ok?" I ask as I stop beside her.
Silence.  Sniffling.  "I'm fine.  I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, I'm fine."

I hesitate and start to walk away, looking back.  What do I do?????

"I'm fine," broken record, "Don't call anyone, ok.  Please don't call anyone.  I'm fine."

I look down and notice I'm clutching my cell phone.  "Ok.  I won't. "  Clearly she's not fine.  As I walk onto work, I leave behind her wails that continue.  I join her crying, only mine is silent.  I walk past the tourists and sunbathers along the main street in Waikiki, my head bent under my hat to hide the tears bubbling over onto my cheeks.  I feel so helpless. 

People say all you can do is pray.  I do that.  But it doesn't feel like enough. The lady didn't want help.  What did she want?

I'm in the park.  Going along the path with the other walkers/joggers.  We're listening to our i-pods and wearing Nike.  Coming towards me is a man, gaunt and wrinkled despite his young 30-something age.  In the cart he pushes are two dark little children.  Bronzed by the sun and dirt.  The kid's eyes are glazed, stark white against their skin, and they lack the normal child-like energy.  Those eyes peep over the edges of the cart at me as they pass.  I can't help looking over my shoulder as that bumping sound of the cart fades behind me.  Their eyes, though, they don't fade.  They plee for something - but I don't know what. I wonder, where's their mommy?

THE QUESTION REMAINS...

This "family" was not going shopping for food or clothes, they were hunting for their next "home" for the night - probably under some sprawling tree in the park, or under a tarp on the sidewalk.  I bet the daddy was then going to hunt for dinner in a nearby garbage can.  I see it all the time.  Individuals with tattered clothes falling off of them are constantly digging through the garbage.  I see them pick up a half-full Starbucks cup and down the remains.  Or a bag of leftover hamburger from McDonalds.  And this is right along the shopping centers, not some ghetto area - but outside of Gucci and Neiman Marcas. 

I just finished a fast, and it makes me wonder what it's like to be hungry all the time, but not necessarily by choice; to have to hunt through the garbage for your next meal.  There's a scripture that simple screams to me every time I read it, "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:  to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe him...and if you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday sun" (Isaiah 58:6-10).  

That question mark still hovers for me.  What to do? 

When this is before me every day. 

When I face hurt that doesn't want help. 

When the issue is so vast it overwhelms me. 

When it's suddenly become "normal" to everyone else and I'm the only one walking down the street crying. 

What to do?

I don't have the answer just yet, but I know I can't ignore it.  I can't forget that God does call us to feed, clothe, and take care of those hungry or oppressed.  So when He urges me with specific circumstances, I refuse to turn a blind eye.  I don't always feel that intense tug to "Give this person food," or "buy this lady diapers for her children," but every once in awhile I get the answer to my question, "What to do?"  I guess that's what we can all do - refuse to let our hearts callous over from the sight and respond to the call.  Instead of merely sacrificing things in your personal inner-life for God, sacrifice for others and give when the call comes to you strongly. 

Despite this, I can't lie:  that question still remains for me:

"What can I do - really do - to make a difference?"

This question begs for an answer...

I do know, “We should continue to remember the poor” (Galatians 2:10), and  not become so accustom  to the sight that we no longer cry with those who cry, and care for those who are hurting and oppressed. 

© Krinda Joy

31 Words!

The challenge began yesterday...and I wrote 31 words in my book.  Not even 31 good words, but 31 simple, unintelligent words.  They were:

"To understand the shock I faced, you have to understand where I came from.  Remember how I said my town was small?  Well, it was more than that, it was dinky."

Yes, I even used the word "dinky."  I guess I felt like keeping the word from going extinct.  However, even though I laugh, and I want to berate myself and say I'm a pathetic writer, I...am...not...going...to...do...it!  As I look at those words, I tell myself, "That's 31 words more towards my goal than I had before."  Plus, if I break it down, that is one word for every day this month!  AND, because I chose not to throw out my computer and give up writing all together, I wrote almost three times as many words on my book so far today - and the morning has only just begun!  All of that to say, on the path towards pursuing our dreams and visions, friends, sometimes we make it one step and sometimes we move leaps and bounds.  But one step is still on more step than before - it is still one foot closer to the goal or vision God has placed in your heart.  Just as my 31 words is 31 words more towards finishing my book. 

Looking at the topic of the 31 words now, I realize their significance to this topic.  The fact my first sentence suggests is relevant to any dream-seeker or vision-pursuer:  

 "To understand something in the present, we have to comprehend the past."

Another words, it's an echo of that famous quote by Maynard James Keenan, "We must know where we came from to know where we are going." Now, I am going to seemingly contradict myself and say I also agree with the quote, "Your past does not define your future."  How can both be true?  Am I going nutty from too much writing and Hawaiian sunshine?  No.  At least I don't think... (insane laughter inserted here).
What I do know is that our past is erased when we come to Christ and we are completely NEW in the Lord.  So that part of "where we came from," is not significant to pursuing our futures, and in this way the past does not define what will come.  BUT, the past we do need to keep in the forefront of our mind in order to throw ourselves into life fearlessly and passionately is our ORIGINAL DESIGN.  We must understand we were CREATED...

                 we were DESIGNED....

                                  we were PLANNED...

                                        for and by a loving God who does not make mistakes.

You were created to be a conqueror (Romans 8:37); to reach nations (Matthew 28:19); to be fearless of everything but God (Isaiah 41:10).  You were created for today, for right now, to love and honor God with everything He has created you as, designed you to possess (talents, etc), and planned for you to do. 

I just have to say another unintelligent word - "WOW!"  Wow because when we understand that God has purposefully created and designed us the way we are in order to succeed in all He's planned or our lives, we know that as long as we are using when He's given us for HIM, we can not fail.  I'd rather write 31 words than none at all.  Because at least I'm allowing the fingers God's created to operate how He's designed them to so that He can carry out the dreams He's planned - and planted - within my heart. 

Now, understanding we came from a God who made us with a purpose causes us to face the future accurately, because we then live with this purpose in mind.  AND, this is far from "dinky," for our purpose is a role in showing SALVATION to other people...

How has God asked you to pursue this purpose? 

What has God given you specifically and uniquely that He wants to use?

What are your deep passions?  For behind your dreams and desires rests the God-given calling you were designed to fulfill....even if it's one word, one step, one note, one test, one drawing, or one picture at a time - take the one. 

Because, if I write 31 words a day for 30 days, that becomes almost 1,000 more words than I had before.  And, I know I was designed by a CREATIVE GOD who CREATED ME to be creative, so regardless of how I feel about these words, I have to keep typing because He has designed me to write...

I DARE YOU...I double dare you!

I DARE YOU TO JOIN ME IN A 30 DAY CHALLENGE

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

MY FEAR, MY CALLING

I stare at a blank white screen.  The thin, vertical line blink-blink-blinks...taunting me to punch out the first letter, that first word, then to form a complete sentence.  Suddenly, the dishes need to be done, the laundry should be folded, maybe I should go running?  Oh, and look at all those cars outside the window, maybe I should just watch those?  This is my battle as I go to write.  I feel that deep calling from within to put words on the screen that sits before me, but I'll be honest, I avoid  it because "WHAT IF IT'S NO GOOD?"  I'm supposed to be "a writer"; many of you know I'm working on a book right now.  But, I shy from the challenge sometimes for fear of not being a GOOD writer...what if the book fails?  That's where 2 Timothy comes in, God has been calling me to WRITE ANYWAYS because this timidity I feel is not from Him.  He has given me the self-discipline and strength to press through the feeling of lack and fear, and to go after the passion and love He's put on my heart.  At the peak of my struggle to work on my book, Jesus began speaking to me, he said,

"Krinda,

Your life is not yours, it's mine!  Will I not take care of it?  I repeat again, it's not yours!  I will take care of you!  I will use you!  I will fulfill before and through you!  Now, with writing - fear has kept you away; fear has kept you apathetic.  Do not try to pick up the pen without me, but pick it up.  It's the boat I want you in, and I want to drive it.  YOU do it, I do it through you....Krinda, on the other side of this storm of writing the book a whole crowd is waiting.  Girls broke, injured, dry....The enemy has been trying to distract and discourage you for this reason.  BUT, he is not match for me.  Invite me in and let me work.  It's time; it's the time you've been waiting but running from in fear! Face it and release.

~Your Warrior, Jesus"

WHAT ARE YOU CALLED TO?

Now, ask yourself, "What are you shying away from? What are you called to do?"  Mine is obviously this passion and gift He's placed in my heart to write.  And, as God said to me, on the other side of my responding to His calling, awaits lives!  When I think of that, I am struck by the importance of me rejecting complacency for action.  Maybe you're called to worship, maybe you're called to pursue further schooling, or maybe you're called to write like me.  Like Jesus said to me, your obedience will be met by His empowerment, and on the other side awaits others who will be touched by your gift! Whatever it may be, I dare you to accept the following challenge with me.  Actually, it's a DOUBLE DARE, because I'm doing it too....

THE CHALLENGE

Here's the challenge: 

for the next 30 days, work on whatever God has called you to work on 5 days a week.  That's right, only five days a week.  For me, this means if I only write a sentence on my book, I still worked on it!  I still progressed forward, stared that blank screen in the face, and defeated it with one letter, one word, one sentence at a time!  All it takes is one less hour watching TV.  If you're supposed to go to college again, commit to filling out applications.  If you're supposed to honor God with music, spend time 5 days a week practicing or working on songs.  Whatever it may be, do not let intimidation or timidity keep you back.  These 30 days are OURS to face with the power and self-discipline that God has already placed inside us!  Throughout this process, I will be posting about the experience, leaving encouragement on my blog, and probably rambling from time to time about the frustrations!  Now, choose the double dare, and let's begin....

Love that Always Waits & Never Abaits...

Tears seem a staple for me right now.  I keep having this burning inside of my heart, this love for a people who refuse to accept the outstretched hand I offer, to lead them to a place where they will find satisfaction for their longing.  So I keep hoping.  Keep waiting.  Keep praying and offering.  Knowing that maybe one day, the hand will be grasped.  Maybe ONE person whom I feel a deep love for will let me lead them to the hope they seek...to JESUS!  Sometimes I want to just callous my heart from caring about the broken, the bitter, the hurting, but that would deny the most precious gift God has given me...the gift to feel a portion of what He feels for us every day.  Every day we don't spend time with Him, every day we refuse to just accept His love, every day He has to wait on us to come into His embrace and just rest there...He feels the ache of longing.  His love is ever-waiting, and He's challenging me to have an ever-waiting love for the one's who need Him most, despite the fact that they consistantly refuse the Jesus-love offered...

Love Ever-Waiting

His heart shatters as He does wait –

wait again on another missed date.

Stood up and shut out,

His heart never entertains doubt

that this is the one

He will love until the days are done,

or the heart He’s won.

No matter the circumstance, to hope He’s clung

that one day His love will come

running into His arms singing surrender’s hum.

So He waits with patience and unending kindness

despite the one He love’s blindness

to the life He offers –

a life more abundant that the richest king’s coffers.

But the one He loves keeps running to cheap imitation,

not realizing there’s a love extended without limitation.

Just waiting…

waiting and never abating…

waiting to be received…

for this agony of unreturned love to be relieved.

He whispers for the one He does love;

and though His offered hand is pushed away with a shove,

over this one He loves He still dances,

moving and singing to passions’ cadences.

Yet, this one He loves keep seeking,

tears spurting, out leaking

to be accepted and embraced;

the one He loves heart is barely holding together, shoddily laced.

This one He loves could have it all…

It’s me, it’s you, this one “BELOVED” He does call.

It’s me, it’s you, He dances for

and sings the lyrics of romances’ lore…

here, waiting with a love that does not fail

for us to surrender to this gale

and be swept into the motion of love true.

He waits to no longer wait for me, for you…

©Krinda Joy, Jan. 4^th, 2011  “The LORD your God is with you…He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17); He sings to you, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3).